I badly want to do video interviews with certain people right now. Top of my list is the Walmart Angels standing guard at either end of the toilet paper aisle. I’d definitely start with the dude I saw this morning and almost hugged, out of pure joy to see all those cheerfully chubby, brightly comforting white rolls again. “Are you the toilet paper police?” I asked, “That’s Awesome! Can I tip you? I’m so glad you’re here. They should give you a badge!” I controlled myself after this exuberant greeting. Also because he ever-so-subtly backed away from me. I didn’t press my luck by asking for an on-camera interview, but I terribly MUCHLY wanted to. I have soooo many questions, like; How were you assigned to this? Did people clamor to do it or was it more of a “whoever draws the short straw” situation? Were you specially trained for this? What happens if someone tries to take too much? Has anyone tried? What exactly does that escalation look like? What’s the worst punishment if they refuse to surrender it? Why are you not armed? They should give you a taser at least, I mean, in my book you’re as essential (and potentially in as much danger) as any police officer. Is there a petition I can sign for you to be armed and better protect *my potential tp* so it’ll be right here when I need it? Are you going to put this on your resume in the future? I mean, I would; “Toilet Paper Aisle Enforcer during the 2020 Covid Pandemic”. Who wouldn’t hire someone with that on their resume?
I also have loads of questions for cashiers working during the Great Hoarding. They know exactly how the stores were emptied. Like… Was every single person buying tons of stuff? Or was it only one in four—or one in ten? What percentage of the population hoarded? Did they arrive to check-out with an entire train of carts; the first cart full of cans, another full of bread, another full of hand sanitizer and then the last three carts full of tp? Did people bring pickup trucks to fill? Was it contagious so that customers only there to pick up a rotisserie chicken and a six pack of beer for supper, looked around at those buying vast quantities and thought to themselves, “Hm, looks like everyone’s stocking up. Guess I should too”? Did they come only at special times? Cuz I never saw any. And how did the decision to post signs limiting the number of items bought, come that late? Was every store manager just overly optimistic? On vacation? Greedy? Also, would you consider making a greatest clips anthology from store videos of the hoarding? I’m imagining it set to music, or with Samuel Jackson voice-overs chronicling it.
And then there are the actual hoarders; I’d like to pie chart their answers, preferably from a large sampling. The pie chart would be “Reasons Why I Hoarded”. They could check all that apply.
- All production might stop and there won’t be anymore of anything again. Ever.
- Mark my words; the prices will go up drastically.
- The government is going to take over and control us through food supplies. Probably the zombies will come. For sure the aliens.
- I’m planning to literally not leave my house until this virus is gone. I’m set for a good 6 months. A year if I ration right.
- Smart people profit off dumb people and I’m planning to profit big. Suckers.
- I’m just doing what everyone else is doing.
- It’s either the apocalypse or armageddon… or both. Anyway, I’m prepared.
- All the other reasons I can’t think of… (help me out here, you who are so well stocked. Tell me why.)
And would the hoarding reasons differ from country to country? State to state? City and rural? Are there some prepper/hoarder guidelines out there and you have to join the club to get them? Do I personally know any hoarders? Might I be one? I mean, I did buy a large pack of tp this morning and I still had at least 8 rolls left in my linen closet… (swallow) where is the line between normal and hoarding? Am I throwing rocks inside my glass house???
Every day I have more questions…
And at least I’m inside my house. #rulefollower #theymightfinemeintoiletpaperrolls